From chaos to microdosing, from individual perception, to transpersonal delivery. Getting out of the cloud, to make myself present to what I can do today to cultivate a sense of order, peace, acceptance, to affirm that I am exactly where I should be.
With the Sun lighting Virgo, I return to my work, to the Service, little by little, one day at a time… respecting a rhythm that has nothing to do with networks, marketing, or algorithms… a mysterious rhythm that has always guided me.
Sometimes that voice has been louder and clearer, other times lighter and more distant, but in this last part of the road I have lost myself, I became deaf, blind, mute… I got confused, I repressed, annulled myself, It was me that choose to rest, to find my own forgiveness and also to create my own punishment…
It has cost me a lot to reconnect, to hear that voice again, I got so angry, I stopped believing, I lost confidence, faith, joy…
I’m re-discovering the time of this being, accepting that this body is still alive, that no matter how dead I’ve felt, I’m still here… “You have to live”, that’s what they told me, just like that…no choice here, let´s just move on, not think about it, because death… OH! what a taboo.
All these months I walked with death inside, she became all that i have, i felt her as a faithful lover and companion, so absolute, she as a dimensional portal… I felt her and having lost everything, she would not leave me, she is still with me and at the same time she tells me that it is not my time, that there is more to live.
Death as an inseparable pole of Life… that force greater than any of our moral, cultural, inherited and subjective qualifications.
That is so inmense we do not understand, but is experienced by all at some point, a force that goes through you and transforms you forever.
There is the complexity of this instance of the zodiac and its direct access to Scorpio, the reminder of what is still hidden, repressed… beyond what we want to evade, in the attempt to control, as unbearable as it may be. That which continues unconscious, will come to visit, there is no escape and it is time to humbly kneel down and honor what simply is and manifests itself. I laugh and cry when I see my ego kicking around, so absurd… wanting to value one over the other… there is only the present, there is breathing, there is a pulse and any other possibility that is not going forward vanishes, honoring what is still alive.
I write slowly, the computer was closed all this time and now that I open it I discover that 3 letters no longer work… so I go back over what I wrote and correct, (cut, paste, until I can repair the so valuable bnm)
Today I feel, think and type… now my fingers flow but other days my storm floods me and I lock inside myself again, because words don’t convey anything and I feel like in those dreams where one screams with all your strength but does not make any sound.
I surrender to Silence and my body talks to me, it breathes, sighs, guides me… it is helping me a lot, reconnecting with yoga, dance, ody expression, movement calms me, elongate, balance, sweat , heals me… music and nature to the rescue, singing and feeling the wind on my face, all this saves me, resurrects me.
I want to transmit again, without demands or expectations, I want a simpler way, to write as I did for so many years and at the same time being another… all this time that it disappeared I was in mourning, in renunciation, I was emptying myself, gestating and giving birth, burying my identity, my dream, that form that my greatest Love had taken… today I find myself again and choose Life… but it’s not about me, this is not personal… it’s just a story between thousands of silenced voices.
Communicating what ive been thru is not for gossip, or judgments, but for those who are open to listen with love, who are willing to feel, empathize and recognize themselves vulnerable, what they share will come out as a bridge that unites, that accompanies you in your pain, and then it is no longer just yours… it weighs less if we name it together, this story is for us to feel unity and leave behind the prejudices and unilateralism of the story.
My experience does not have a “what for” personally, if I keep it as mine, it hurts, I discover that I betrayed myself, that I lost myself in a toxic bond, I blame myself, or I blame the other and I victimize myself… I get lost, I suffer and my world is closed.
I can go to the bottom of the black hole, but when I collapse, after a lil while the sun appears, the rain, a bird, a friend, a gecko, I get a message from you and the consciousness returns, nothing is for me, but to share it.
Everything I experienced only makes sense if I write it down, resilience is not mandatory, it is a possibility, a choice that becomes stronger some days and evaporates others, I want to tell my story, which is full of taboos, stigmas that are of the world and today they are expressed through me, if I can put it out loud, then the trauma alchemizes and gives me a new role of service, that all the pain experienced becomes power and gives me more tools to accompany you, resonate and empathize with you .
I am rediscovering how to return to transmission, how to put words to something that happens,
not just to me, to us all, how to tell my story without overloading it with personal emotions and at the same time use those emotions so that we become aware of what is being experienced in the collective fabric .
How are you feeling?
I love us, I thank us, I hug us
Agu
Recent Comments